smatterings of an aesthetic

it is weird to think, but I have gotten to a point in my life where I no longer identify myself strongly through my likes, dislikes, hobbies etc. I still love what I love - film. theatre. art. and especially chaplin, keaton etc. but two/three years ago I very strongly represented my own personality through the images and lives of others, where as, today, I feel a greater urge to be my own boring self, to create something of my own. 

I think this is a part of growing up, learning who you are, and wanting to express that self. but a part of me has a nostalgia for that kid in hight school who didn’t just like classic film, but absolutely adored it. lived for it. cherished it. fan girled about it. I don’t do that anymore. I miss it sometimes, but I guess it is a good sign to be able to look back and see how much I have grown. and it isn’t as if my love for these subjects has disappeared - just that my own personality has become the central part of my day to day self, as it should be. 

The one internet tradition I have, I do this survey every year, it is really amazing to see the changes. 

1. What did you do in 2010 that you’d never done before?

traveled through Scotland and Ireland and Wales

met Alan Rickman

studied at Oxford

ate black pudding

drank guinness and liked it

this year doesn’t have too many exciting firsts, probably because I have gotten older and have experienced a lot in the past two years - but a first for me emotionally is how much I have grown and accepted who I am, and more and more I am putting the real me out there to my old and new friends alike. that is a real first.

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

last year: move on. acceptance. love. audition. travel. begin applying for grad school. exercise. write. sing. and maybe even learn to play the piano? 

the piano part did not even come remotely close to anything, but everything else happened for sure. I made huge strides in moving on from the past, I gained a great amount of acceptance within myself, and I certainly did travel! I traveled and explored for about two full months. I also applied to grad school. I did not however do enough personal art or creation.

this year: is exactly that, self expression has taken a beating, it is time to get back to my artistic roots. and little by little not shirk away from the person I have become. also, I am going to attempt to wean myself away from facebook (I have already failed).

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

none.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Bates, the family dog. 

5. What countries did you visit?

England, Ireland, Scotland, Wales (by accident). 

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?

admission to grad school

a healthy self confidence

a strong sense of direction of where I will be going in the not so distant future 

a stable job (who isn’t wishing for one of those?) 

stable relationships with the people who are near and dear to my heart

7. What dates from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory?

January 1rst 2010 - the day I finally cut out a very bad (emotional) tumor and started healing

Feb. 16th - a disaster of a birthday, Bates, the family dog died, and it was a bad anniversary of sorts

August 7th and 8th, the ending days of BADA

pretty much the entire month of August - my best memories of the year came from that month alone, particularly my trip to York, which I think was the 11th or 12th of August

October 30th - the rally to restore sanity

July 6th - Monsterball

and the night I saw Woody Allen play hott jazz at the Carlyle! how could I possibly forget one of the most Manhattan nights of my life?

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

attending BADA and making great strides in my work as an actor

surviving and loving my trip to the UK, traveling alone to Scotland

taking huge steps in my personal life, not being afraid to share my feelings to people I care about, not being afraid to take risks in love, however awkward they may be

being open and honest to my family about who I am

9. What was your biggest failure?

being afraid of my own talent and work as an artist

not having enough of a self confidence, doubting myself

not writing or dancing or getting enough physical or creative activity in my life

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

I had the worst cold of my life while in England, I felt like I had daggers in my throat, and there was nothing to be done about it. I had to miss a week of class which I still regret. 

11. What was the best thing you bought?

tickets to see Lady GaGa, my manolos

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Marie-Laure, the KANE family at BADA, and my own family

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

B.S. (fitting initials), and the managers of a certain museum I used to work at, tea-partiers, and the media

14. Where did most of your money go?

rent and train tickets, hotels, and travel around europe

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

BADA, returning to NYC, traveling, Lady GaGa’s Monsterball

16. What song will always remind you of 2010?

Without a Fight - Janelle Monae

17. Compared to this time last year, you are:

Happier or sadder: happy

Thinner or fatter: lost weight, and then I gained it all back in the last two days :)

Richer of poorer: poorer, but the reasons are good ones

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

auditioning 

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

worrying 

20. How will you be spending Christmas?

same as always,  lazing around with the family

21. What was your favorite month of 2010?

 July and August

22. Did you fall in love in 2010?

out and in and in and out and up and down and all around

23. How many one-night stands?

I don’t really do those

24. What was your favorite TV program?

Mad Men

30 Rock

House

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

no hate, just pity

26. What was the best book you read?

Brideshead Reviisted 

Persuasion (just finished today)

David Niven’s The Moon’s a Balloon

and I discovered the brilliance of Shakespeare

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Janelle Monae

28. What did you want and get?

a trip to England

kisses 

I got to see “La Bete” and the Monsterball, as well as Bernadette Peters in “A Little Night Music” and I saw the same show (on a different night) with Angela Lansbury. 

29. What did you want and not get?

a real job, security

30. What was your favorite film of this year?

I haven’t seen that many. “A Single Man”, “The King’s Speech”, “Black Swan”, “The Runaways” 

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

24, ate drank and was merry with some close friends the night before, got serenaded by some jazz guitar, found out my dog died, ate a big piece of cake and cried too much for what should have been a happy occasion. I like to pretend that on my actual birthday I went out and bought my manolos, because that is what they were for. let’s just say I did. 

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

a real job. 

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?

I got really lazy this year, I still dress like I am from a Jeeves and Wooster episode, but if I am not trying I generally just stick to what is flattering to my own shape. I stopped caring, honestly, I don’t have an image I am going for, besides being myself. 

34. What kept you sane?

cooking, long walks through the park and the city.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Tina Fey, Alan Rickman, Colin Firth, President Obama, John Stewart, Stephen Colbert

36. What political issue stirred you the most?

DADT  

37. Who did you miss?

Sasha, Sarah, and Marjorie  

38. Who were the best new people you met?

Amanda Braun and everyone at BADA, and several lovely people at MoMA

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010:

change is the only evidence of life. never apologize for the struggles. the struggles define who you are. 

40. Quote a song lyric or quote that sums up your year:

If it could only be like this always – always summer, always alone, the fruit always ripe and Aloysius in a good temper… 

— Evelyn Waugh (Brideshead Revisited)