smatterings of an aesthetic

this is one of those nights when I miss being at my college. I miss the ability to go climb a tree when I am feeling restless. it was nights like this I would wander around dark fields and only had the night sky to deal with, and then I would walk to their doorway and give a knock…

and I miss the dawn too. especially when I feel restless. I miss having the world and love all to myself, and that pink sky, the birds go wild at dawn, and spring was slowly very slowly starting to show itself even then, the ground was damp, muddy. 

I miss having a car, and being able to get in it and drive and drive and not have to tell anyone where I was going, just play music roll down the windows and go. 

I love this city. I love getting lost, walking through the park in the middle of the day, watching the evening air turn blue, getting quite lost in the crowd, finding a cafe to spend some time alone in public.

but I can’t go on any night walks. not as a young woman, not in a big dark icy city. not when it will start snowing. and I have no one’s door to go knock on at ungodly hours. I have no one nearby who will let me rest in their arms for hour after hour.

that’s what I miss. I’m not even lonely. I have people very dear to my heart, they just aren’t close enough for me to walk to. walking has been my best and dearest companion. my release. 

I miss fields and trees, mud, bark, and wide open spaces. I haven’t missed it in awhile. I got some of that back in Oxford, beautiful Oxford. I wish I could go back. 

I love my room, and my view of the yellow windows, the silence I can get here at the top of the building. but it isn’t the same, I can’t breath cold air. I can’t get lost in the natural beauty of the landscape. in the city one part of you is always on guard. I miss that release. 

more winter ahead of us. come spring however, I think I might just drive up there again, back to New England - just so I can take a walk. 

-daydream-believer-:

You should totally do this.

people never do this stuff when I request it, but I will give it a shot!

earlyfrost:

you said Is
there anything which
is dead or alive more beautiful
than my body,to have in your fingers
(trembling ever so little)?
                              Looking into
your eyes Nothing,i said,except the
air of spring smelling of never and forever.

….and through the lattice which moved as
if a hand is touched by a
hand(which
moved as though
fingers touch a girl’s
breast,
lightly)
          Do you believe in always,the wind
said to the rain
I am too busy with
my flowers to believe,the rain answered

I find it interesting that when we love a certain celebrity, or actor, or public figure - we project our own moral code onto that person, and when they don’t live up to those expectations we get really angry, we take it personally. we often say they have “sold out” we expect them to maintain the image we desire of them. 

facebook arguments are generally very stupid, but sometimes they allow for some pretty good debate. but really now, Betty White is awesome and I don’t care what crappy movie or tv show she does.

why can you do everything right, no screw ups, no problems, you do everything the way you planned, you planned for a month, you go in there - and you give it your best, and you really feel good about it. and yet, you still fail. 

it is really weird to hear about a past love through someone else’s eyes, hearing about their life - a life that they very deliberately cut you out of. 

you always hear things you wish you didn’t have to. but what is always surprising is when you hear exactly what you expected. when what you thought, turns out to be dead on. totally right. 

there is something sad in that. I guess, as bruised as one’s heart gets, you always hope that that person, after all that pain - all that struggle, will have at least learned a little. will have at least changed. will at least have gained something real from what you two had. evolution they call it. 

I asked with some hesitation if my friends have seen me change - but I shouldn’t have to. it is clear now that I have - and very much for the better. I am realizing just how worrisome it is, to realize someone who was so near to your heart, is exactly the same. faults and all. I find that disturbing.

because change is the only sign of real life, of real living. 

I am not sure how to completely digest the new information I have now. all I could say was “get thee behind me” - and move on. 

but thank you!