this is one of those nights when I miss being at my college. I miss the ability to go climb a tree when I am feeling restless. it was nights like this I would wander around dark fields and only had the night sky to deal with, and then I would walk to their doorway and give a knock…
and I miss the dawn too. especially when I feel restless. I miss having the world and love all to myself, and that pink sky, the birds go wild at dawn, and spring was slowly very slowly starting to show itself even then, the ground was damp, muddy.
I miss having a car, and being able to get in it and drive and drive and not have to tell anyone where I was going, just play music roll down the windows and go.
I love this city. I love getting lost, walking through the park in the middle of the day, watching the evening air turn blue, getting quite lost in the crowd, finding a cafe to spend some time alone in public.
but I can’t go on any night walks. not as a young woman, not in a big dark icy city. not when it will start snowing. and I have no one’s door to go knock on at ungodly hours. I have no one nearby who will let me rest in their arms for hour after hour.
that’s what I miss. I’m not even lonely. I have people very dear to my heart, they just aren’t close enough for me to walk to. walking has been my best and dearest companion. my release.
I miss fields and trees, mud, bark, and wide open spaces. I haven’t missed it in awhile. I got some of that back in Oxford, beautiful Oxford. I wish I could go back.
I love my room, and my view of the yellow windows, the silence I can get here at the top of the building. but it isn’t the same, I can’t breath cold air. I can’t get lost in the natural beauty of the landscape. in the city one part of you is always on guard. I miss that release.
more winter ahead of us. come spring however, I think I might just drive up there again, back to New England - just so I can take a walk.